I thought she was sleeping
I thought she'd never know
So I snuck down to the kitchen
With my swimsuit catalogue

All those beautiful shapes
Caressing hips of marble
I had goose bumps all over
And then I saw the light
Reflecting from the microwave

"What are you doing" she said
"Nothing!" I cried
A bit too loud
Just a little bit too loud

Then she saw the picture
At first she smiled
With a sort of pity
Then she got a better look
I almost shit myself


"I swear to you
I swear
I'm not gay
I just really love speedos"


"What the fuck is this?" she said
"Who the fuck are you?"
I could have killed myself
Just to get out of there

"Believe me, it's nothing!" I cried
"I just like the fabric!
REALLY like the fabric!
That's all it is
Honest!"

She just turned away
And rushed back up the stairs
Went into the bed room
And I heard her lock the door

I sat there almost crying
With an aching in my chest
The only thing in my mind
In the whole world
were those six sweet letters


"I swear to you
I swear
I'm not gay
I just really love speedos"